Start in the kitchen
Open the refrigerator before you do anything else. It tells the truth.
- Expired milk, moldy food, or almost nothing in there
- Meals from your last visit untouched in the freezer
- Only crackers, cereal, or sweets in the cupboards
- Burned pans, or a stove left on
- Weight loss, looser clothing, a belt on a new notch
Not eating well leads quickly to weakness, falls, and confusion. See meal preparation.
Look at your parent
- Wearing the same clothes several days in a row
- Body odor, unwashed hair, or long untrimmed nails
- New bruises, especially on arms and hips
- Unsteady walking, or holding onto furniture to get around
- Sleeping in a recliner because the bed feels too hard to get out of
Bruises they cannot explain often mean falls they did not mention. People hide falls because they are scared of losing independence.
Look at the house
- Mail piling up, including unopened bills
- Late notices, or utilities being shut off
- Laundry piling up, or a sour smell
- Clutter in walkways
- Dying plants and neglected pets
- Scrapes and dents on the car, or the garage door frame
Look at the medication
- Pills left over at the end of the month, or running out early
- Bottles in several different rooms
- Not being able to say what a medication is for
- New confusion, dizziness, or daytime sleepiness
See medication reminders.
Listen to how they talk
- Repeating the same story within one visit
- Losing the thread mid sentence
- Missing appointments or getting days mixed up
- Getting lost somewhere familiar
- Pulling away from friends, church, or hobbies
- Sounding down, anxious, or unusually flat
Signs you should not wait on
Call the doctor right away for a sudden change in thinking or behavior, a fall with injury, chest pain, trouble breathing, signs of a stroke, or a rapid decline over days. Sudden confusion can come from an infection or a medication problem, and those can often be treated.
What to do when you see the signs
1. Write down what you saw
Dates and details, not feelings. It helps at the doctor visit and with siblings who may not believe you yet.
2. Get a medical checkup
Rule out treatable causes first: infections, medication side effects, thyroid problems, vision, hearing, and depression.
3. Talk to your parent, not about them
Ask what feels hard right now. Start there, not with a list of everything they are doing wrong. Read how to talk to a parent about help.
4. Start small
Help with rides, meals, and housekeeping is easier to accept than help with bathing. Trust builds from there.
5. Make the home safer
Go through our home safety checklist.
6. Decide what fits
Compare options with home care vs assisted living and what home care costs.